What kind of shots do you nurses give around here

We have hand sanitizers that dispense, scattered all over the hospital.  They stink like a mixture of alcohol and old bar soap to me.  And if your a good nurse, you use them frequently.  
I had a cranky patient that wasn't happy that I told him he couldn't have 2 recliners in his room (for all his baby-mommas) ,due to fire codes as well as his safety.  I had just slathered on a glop of hand sanitizer before entering his room too. I proceeded to listen to his chest when he asked to speak to the nurse in charge. I went and got her and told her the situation, thinking he was going to gripe about the chairs.  He instead accused me of being drunk because I smelled like alcohol.  That earned me a pass to the lab where I enjoyed my drug test and passed.  I was no longer his nurse that night.  It sucks to be professional because sometimes you really need a drink at work.

Fidelity at it's best

One of the many nights that I got pulled to the med-surg floor, I received an older gentleman in his 80's that had an open abcess related to a complication of surgery on his lower abdomen.  The report that I had gotten said that he was a walkie-talkie,  meaning that he is of the normal function and a low maintenance patient.  I was pleased to have an easy one , because I had more than my usual number of patients to tend to on that floor. 
When I entered the room to assess him, he was with it, and answered all questions appropriately.  I tucked the sweet gray headed man in bed and I told him that I would be back with his medications at 9pm and I would change his dressing. 

When I came back to the room about an hour later he was standing at the side of his bed fully dressed.  I asked him why he put his clothes back on, and he said that his wife was coming to pick him up. 
Now when your dealing with the elderly, I hate to offend people who aren't senile, so I try to give everyone the benefit of the doubt.  Since he was with it earlier, I didn't know if his wife was really coming, or if he was looney tune. 
When I started prodding him with more questions about why she was coming so late,  I began to realize he had  sun-downers.  This man had also pulled out his IV, urinary catheter (bulb intact), and taken all the packing out of his wound, then very carefully, folded it ALL neatly on the bathroom counter for me. 
The man was very calm and sweet, a Christian man I could tell.  He was very modest about putting the gown back on after I finally talked him into it.  I had him to lay back in the bed so I could put his dressing back on and when I lifted his gown, he gave me a dirty look and said, "No! We can't do that!".  I re-oriented him again and told him that is what the doctor wanted me to do, and he said, "That man is crazy! My wife is going to be so mad!".  I then told him that he had a good doctor, and his wife wanted me to take care of him tonight so he could hurry and come back home.  Call it lying, or ad lib for the senile, but I know how to sweet talk some old folks into doing what I need them to so I can get my job done. 
The man had a death grip on his gown and blanket to keep me from getting to his lower stomach,  but he finally let go and said, "well, if we have to then". 
I pulled the sheet and gown back to start preparing my area to dress and pack the wound.  He then looked at me with a big look of honest relief and said, "she always said my penis was just for her, I can't believe she's letting me do this". 

In the beginning

I decided to start a blog after seeing one that a former colleague of mine started doing.  I wanted to share my own true experiences with you as a nursing student, CNA, and Lpn.  These are my own thoughts and feelings as a medical professional. I'm going to try and stay on the funny side of things, (I don't really know how funny I am though) and I may throw in a tear jerker every now and then to numb the crowd.  Since we are talking about the human body here, I'm sure that things are going to get nasty, so viewer discretion is advised.  I'm not a professional writer and I'll be doing most of my writing at the very end of my work day, so have mercy on my grammar.  Sometimes I think faster than I type, and my grammar turns into that of a 3 year old's.  I'm sure that you guys will still be able to follow.  If not see your ACLS manual for the appropriate algorithym.

Just some background information on me:  I am a Licensed Practical Nurse, been one for 8 years now.  I am completing classes to get my RN at the moment.  I have been in the medical field since I was 16.  I first started working in nursing homes.  Wiping butts was the name of the game.  I don't know why I didn't, looking back now, I wish I had a fun job as a teenager, flipping burgers or stocking shelves.  I learned very quickly that you don't work for the money. 

Before I could work in the nursing home, I had to take a two week course in order to get my CNA license, then take a computerized test.  I got fingerprinted for a background check and I had a drug test.  You would have thought that I had gotten accepted in to a ivy league school when I found out that I could take the course. I felt this job was really important.  I have test anxiety really bad, so in order to curb that, I try to study as much as I can to be prepared. Being 16, I never saw the big picture of things.  I didn't have many friends to talk to, so I was often left out in the dark when it came to what was cool or uncool. I didn't have any friends working in the nursing home and I had no clue as to what the requirements of the job were, but I knew that It had to have been important because I had to go through a 2 week course, a background check, TB skin test, and a comprehensive test over patient care.  It never once crossed my mind that the other CNA's that I had met on the job were poor, middle aged workers that had no skills or brains, and that this, grandios, dime-a-dozen job,anyone could do.
So I studied.  I practiced making beds, tucking in the corners just right.  I learned the correct way to wipe a female, clean around a catheter, empty a catheter, and clean a non-circumcised male.  I went over and over the sterile and standard precautions.  I practiced taking manual blood pressures and counting respirations.  I went over my list of clear liquids, apple juice -yes, ice cream -no.  I studied abbreviations and learned what a Lg BM was.  This was all knew to me, but I thought that this was the beginning of my career and my whole life depended on it.  I remember the class watching a woman bathe a man and me paying such close attention to what she done first, how she washed his body, and how she shaved him.  These were all steps that I thought I had to memorize before taking my test.  My instructor had tried a little scare tactic and told us that we really needed to study hard because the questions are always changing and we had to score a certain percentage in order to pass and work the floor.  I was nervous to no end.
The big day came and I arrived at the American Red Cross building to take my test.  I walked into a room full of old Mac computers that looked pre-historic even back then.  I told the woman at the desk what I was there for and she led me to a computer, pulled out a large round-record looking disc, about the size of a small tire, and put it in the computer.  She told me what my time allotted was and I looked at the clock figuring the amount of time that I could spend on each question.  She had a stopwatch in her hand and when she said, "Ready-Go, your on the clock",  I immediately tensed up, I was feeling dizzy as everything I had tried learning swam circles around in my head and I thought, "Oh my God, if I don't pass this, I'll never be a nurse". 
I opened the file to which she told me to start on, and the first question popped up:

1.  MR. JOHN BROWN LIVES IN ROOM 304.  THE DELIVERY MAN BROUGHT FLOWERS TO THE NURSES STATION FOR MR JOHN BROWN.  WHAT ROOM WOULD YOU DELIVER THEM TO?

Then the second question,

2.  MR JOHN BROWN IS ALLERGIC TO EGGS.  FOR BREAKFAST HE HAS THESE THINGS ON HIS TRAY:  OATMEAL, EGG, TOAST, AND ORANGE JUICE.  WHAT SHOULD YOU REMOVE BEFORE TAKING HIM HIS TRAY?

Really????  I passed the test with flying colors.  I think my dog could have done just as well.